The content of this piece was written on a viewing of the first episode of Master of Martial Hearts on July 16, 2010. Edits have been made for spelling and grammar, but the rest is completely untouched, and un-edited from the original Twitter feed.

1:50 PM: Five minutes until Master of Martial Hearts, Episode 1

1:50 PM: Now for the usual buildup:

1:51 PM: Master of Martial Hearts:

1:51 PM: Original title: Zettai Shougeki ~Platonic Heart~

1:52 PM: Directed by Yoshitaka Fujimoto (Cyberteam in Akihabara, Nuku Nuku TV)

1:53 PM: Animated by Studio ARMS (Kite, Elfen Lied, Genshiken 2)

1:54 PM: ...I am suddenly less enthusiastic about this. :| Basically, it's an OVA by a studio that did a LOT of hentai. 'Nuff said.

1:55 PM: It's 1:55PM... and away we go.

1:56 PM: Opening: Train goes by... and a miko is getting her ass beat

1:57 PM: Round one... FIGHT! Skank vs. Priestess. Ready? GO!

1:57 PM: Apparently, they're in a tournament... and the miko is very, VERY polite for a fighter

1:57 PM: Apparently, stewardesses all wield lead purses that can break through walls. o_o

1:59 PM: "Attention please. Are you ready for takeoff, ma'am? :3" >_>;; Does she want to join the Mile High Club or something?

1:59 PM: Opening credits - lots of T, lots of A, lots of girls beating the shit out of each other

1:59 PM: And the song blows pretty badly

1:59 PM: Guitar isn't bad, but that vocalist... euuuugh~~~~! >.< My ears!

2:00 PM: ...The cast looks like the staff just walked through Akiba and copied the standees in front of various shops. >_>

2:00 PM: "OH YAYYYY YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, AOOW!" ...very deep, touching lyrics! ;.;

2:01 PM: "It sure is great weather, eh? :3" Yep... great weather for an ass-beatin'!

2:02 PM: High school girl banter go. Natsume (brunette, short hair) Talking about a hair on big sister Aya's (brunette, long hair) shoulder.

2:02 PM: I see Natsume's the dutiful little sister archetype. She's not gonna last >_>

2:03 PM: "School regulations forbid buying things to eat and taking detours on the way home!" Sayeth the raven-haired girl with giant breasts

2:03 PM: "You'll get fat :3" ... they look like TWIGS o_o

2:04 PM: "I wonder why she doesn't have a boyfriend." ...not touchin' that one.

2:04 PM: Back to the ass whuppin'!

2:04 PM: "A fight... but why out here? And dressed like that...?" Good question

2:05 PM: ...this is the dullest fight ever.

2:05 PM: 5 minutes in - BOOBIES :O

2:05 PM: "Now you've done it! T_T" Yes she has >_>

2:05 PM: This is just... cheap and exploitative.

2:06 PM: O-mamori ninja stars - fun

2:06 PM: "That's why you'll never have any... FRIENDS that is :3" ... uh... k?

2:07 PM: Blah blah platonic heart blah blah blah you have problems - stewardess = bitch

2:07 PM: Shit just got real - Natsume got (inadvertently) tackled by the miko, and Aya stepped in

2:08 PM: Aya apparently has balls of brass.

2:08 PM: Pissed off the stewardess... and Aya's apparently a freakin' kung fu master all of a sudden XD

2:08 PM: What the CHRIST

2:08 PM: "Natsume! Are you OK? o_o" "O_____________O" my reaction exactly.

2:09 PM: McBurger - gotta love product placements that fall through. :)

2:10 PM: So apparently, Aya's mom was a Kenpo master. Or something

2:10 PM: ...this is terrible

2:10 PM: ARMS, go back to hentai, PLEASE '_'

2:11 PM: "Natsume... aren't you afraid of me? :(" Don't kid yourself, girl... you look like a bunny - not a caged lion

2:11 PM: Platonic Heart - exposition!

2:11 PM: "It can make any wish come true :O But, for some reason, it only works for girls. -_-"

2:12 PM: ... .@animealmanac was right - I really should've put a few beers in me for this.

2:12 PM: Miko crashes McBurger.

2:13 PM: "I'm very sorry for earlier. :(" She's the "serious, formal" archetype

2:14 PM: "What happened to your clothes? o_o" "I changed! ^_^" yeah... good idea, Miko. >.> Walking around with your T&A out isn't a good idea.

2:14 PM: "It was bit a fight! It was a DUEL! >_<" Lemme pause this for a sec -

2:15 PM: Duel (n) - a prearranged combat between two persons, fought with deadly weapons according to an accepted code of procedure

2:15 PM: ... again, POORLY written

2:16 PM: "In the name of the Platonic Heart!" Oshiyokiyou! :o sorry - bad joke. :P #SailorMoon

2:18 PM: "We'll buy lunch :D" "OK :D -rattles off HUGE list of food-" Oh, Miko! -exaggerated hands on hips & "you got 'splainin to do " face-

2:19 PM: Visual: http://twitpic.com/25uqkv

2:20 PM: Anyway, eyecatch, and go to the second half

2:20 PM: Mountain of food >:o

2:20 PM: "Can you eat all that? '-'" "I'm not so confident :( -SCARF- So good! ^o^" with exaggerated expressions, to boot

2:21 PM: blah blah Platonic Heart blah blah tournament blah blah secret...

2:21 PM: BUT IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING STREET! T_T THAT'S NOT SECRET AT ALL!

2:21 PM: "I don't get it. -_-" Amen, Aya

2:22 PM: "It's not that I believe - I WANT to believe. '-' " - delusion solves all of life's problems. Just ask my imaginary friend Jeeves! #sarcasm

2:23 PM: Apparently, Platonic Heart fighters are chosen by SMS spam... Makes PERFECT SENSE :D

2:23 PM: If they believe that, then I wonder how they react to Nigerian millionaires. o_o

2:24 PM: "Some setup money was wired into my bank account. '-' " Wow... for once, a scam that PAYS o.o

2:24 PM: "You want friends that badly? :(" "yeah ;.;" ...here's an idea - they can become friends and this crappy OVA can END! ^_^ Please?

2:24 PM: Aya's tryin'. Requisite "heartwarming" moment is go

2:25 PM: Miko has a name - it's Miko :D How... deep >_>

2:25 PM: "I didn't even win the platonic heart... this isn't a dream, is it? -CRYYYYY-" ... '_';;

2:25 PM: Miko's apparently a social reject - no friends in her 19 year life... I could swear she was younger by the way she acted >_>

2:26 PM: "I can give up the Platonic Heart! ^_^" Please do... end this horrible OVA o_o

2:26 PM: Natsume's brother is hot o_o And Aya's got the "guh :o" face

2:27 PM: Returning to the shrine with Miko. "Wait here ^_^"

2:27 PM: ...I foresee a fight or a cheap ending

2:27 PM: Cell Phone Omamori straps - cute!

2:28 PM: Miko, Natsu, Aya! By your powers combined... I am watching a bad, BAD OVA. >_> #CaptainPlanetFail

2:28 PM: "We'll always, ALWAYS be friends, right! o_o" ...That's kind of how it works, isn't it?

2:29 PM: Aya gets SMS spam now

2:29 PM: Night time in a playground - apparently, Aya takes her place now... wat >_>

2:29 PM: Stewardess is here to kick some ass.

2:30 PM: "Here :3 I brought some setup money for you." Uh... k?

2:31 PM: Round 1 - FIGHT

2:31 PM: "Platonic Heart has no rules T_T" k?

2:32 PM: Stewardess has Mr. Hotty as a hostage. I did NOT see that coming. -rolls eyes-

2:33 PM: Stewardess has a pocket rocket. And apparently, these fights are different. >_>

2:33 PM: Apparently, every time someone gets hit, they lose their clothes! -tsk tsk- I'm not sure if this is bad porn or a terrible fighting show.

2:33 PM: Aya's pretty much nekkid now and getting her ass beat >_>

2:34 PM: She disarmed a bomb with a single kick. #SuperBitch

2:34 PM: SHORYUKEN!

2:34 PM: TIGER KNEE-SHORYUKEN!

2:34 PM: Boobies! :o Count: 2

2:34 PM: The fighting sequences in this are comically bad.

2:35 PM: In the face of victory and money, Aya does what any champ does - runs to her friend's house in tears.

2:36 PM: Visiting the Miko - place is wrecked. "What on earth happened here? MIKO!" - I'd wager she was broken into and/or attacked.

2:36 PM: And credits

2:37 PM: Holy shit, this show is bad. it makes Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer look GOOD!

2:37 PM: And that was just poorly drawn T&A!

2:38 PM: http://bit.ly/bvsxJl - I slammed it heartily in a review years ago, and this makes THAT look like an A+ show!

2:39 PM: God damn, this is exploitative, shameful, and just plain insulting to women.

2:39 PM: The animation isn't even that good, and the music fucking SUCKS

2:39 PM: The characters are two dimensional and fairly mundane, the story is BEYOND stupid

2:40 PM: In short: I've seen better hentai.

2:40 PM: Let this languish in the bargain bins, please.