A Monstrously Bad Start: Rosario + Vampire, Episode 1

Mike Ferreira (Editor) — January 8th, 2012
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The content of this piece was written during a viewing of the first episode of Rosario + Vampire, on December 4, 2011. Edits have been made for spelling and grammar, but the rest is completely untouched, and un-edited from its original format.

4:31 PM: Good evening readers, and welcome to a Sunday Showblog.

4:31 PM: Today, we'll be covering the supernatural school comedy Rosario + Vampire.

4:31 PM: I'm not sure about what to expect, and the verdict seems to be split among viewers, so we may be in for a fun experience.

4:31 PM: Let me rephrase - YOU may be in for a fun experience.

4:31 PM: Anyway, before we begin, let's get the essentials out of the way first.

4:32 PM: Directed by Takayuki Inagaki (Desert Punk, Ex-Driver)

4:32 PM: Music by Kouhei Tanaka (Dirty Pair OVA, Sakura Taisen) & Shiroh Hamaguchi (Ah! My Goddess TV, One Piece)

4:32 PM: Character designs by Mariko Fujita (Galaxy Angel, R-15)

4:32 PM: Animated by Gonzo (Magikano, Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo, Last Exile)

4:32 PM: Closing Theme: COSMIC LOVE by Nana Mizuki

4:32 PM: Now, let's get started!

4:33 PM: We open to sakura petals falling, and some girl riding her bike across the landscape.

4:34 PM: Typical "small town" scenes I guess, as a kid groans over a "new student info" packet.

4:34 PM: His name? Tsukune Aono - and apparently, he's a bit of a loser.

4:35 PM: Cut to a title card - and we see a graduation ceremony... someone talking about dealing with an all-boys' school

4:36 PM: Looks like Aono flunked his entrance exams. Again, loser.

4:36 PM: Oh boy... his mom and dad look younger than he is. I know what kind of show this is already!

4:37 PM: His dad's apparently a raging drunk that stole a high school admission form that a priest dropped... and his mom? Clueless.

4:37 PM: ...is this supposed to be funny?

4:37 PM: I think it is, but it's just... bad.

4:37 PM: Anyway, back to today, or something - as he's going to "Yokai Academy"

4:38 PM: "That's one scary-ass school" - the bus driver's a fun one, I see.

4:38 PM: And Aono's friend is calling about the school, only to be cut off.

4:39 PM: And we have a scarecrow... looks like they're in hell.

4:39 PM: Hah - bus driver has soulless black eyes - shit's gonna get real... maybe

4:39 PM: Aono has no cell reception - GEE I WONDER WHY

4:39 PM: ...Now he's walking through graveyards, and he's... lost.

4:40 PM: He hears a noise - I'm predicting cute girl on a bike or something

4:40 PM: Nope - weird-ass hamster bat thing. #wtf

4:40 PM: THERE'S the girl on the bike.

4:40 PM: And the requisite panty shot.

4:41 PM: ...and the horny moan from her as Aono inadvertently puts his hand on her thigh.

4:41 PM: "Not enough blood..." and she's the vampire, I'm guessing.

4:41 PM: ...WTF - He's grabbing for her crotch?

4:42 PM: But that's CLEARLY not his intention as he's now panickedly saying... Suuuure it's not. :V

4:42 PM: And now he has a nosebleed,while the girl's going into lala land and WHAT THE FUCK HE'S SMELLING HER GODDAMN HAIR

4:43 PM: "I CAN"T HELP IT CUZ I'M A VAMPIRE! -CHOMP-" ... god, this is horribly written

4:43 PM: Sorry, it's just horrible

4:43 PM: And Aono had his blood sucked... all he has now is a hicky.

4:44 PM: Surprise! She's a first-year student, too!

4:44 PM: And she thinks he's cute... or something

4:44 PM: He still doesn't get it and - she got him into a sex-pin. Again, I am not making this shit up.

4:44 PM: "Wanna be friends?!" - seriously, the way these two act, it's more like "friends with benefits"... #whatthechrist

4:45 PM: Girl has a name - Moka Akashiya

4:45 PM: And the school? Haunted mansion, natch

4:46 PM: Oh god... it's reverse Twilight... and it's JUST AS BAD!

4:46 PM: Yokai Academy = monster school.. who are trying to live WITH humans

4:47 PM: Rule # 1 - Always remain in human form

4:47 PM: Rule 2 - Never reveal monster identity to other students

4:47 PM: or humans, sorry

4:47 PM: And Aono's seated next to Gene Simmons Jr., apparently

4:48 PM: "You won't see any humans here :3" ...WHAT A TWIST!

4:48 PM: "If any humans enter, they'll be killed on-sight! :D" WHAT A TWIST! I AM SO SHOCKED! #NotReally

4:48 PM: In comes Moka now,and the class lusts over her... before she rape-tackles Tsukune

4:49 PM: And Eyecatch!

4:49 PM: Analysis time now: This show is garbage

4:49 PM: The character designs aren't bad, and the actors do a decent enough job... but the show itself is just plain bad.

4:50 PM: Anyway, eyecatch over, back to the show.

4:51 PM: And everyone's undressing Moka with their eyes as she drags poor Aono through the school.

4:51 PM: And more panty shots

4:51 PM: "You're so silly! :D" - pushes Aono through wall- #lolwut

4:52 PM: It's sinking in for Aono, now.

4:52 PM: And Gene's back - he's ready to kill Aono and make this show only one episode (Please do! D: ) #NotGonnaHappen

4:53 PM: Ohp - shit just got real. Gene broke the soda machine

4:53 PM: With Aono's body

4:53 PM: Looks like she's still clueless about Aono

4:54 PM: "What kinda monster are you, anyway? :V" ...the rare, mythical wuss

4:54 PM: "Wait - telling our monster identity is against the rules, right? :O" ...yes.

4:55 PM: And it's showtime - Moka directs attention to her cleavage.

4:55 PM: And Aono freaks out before she corrects him on the rosary

4:56 PM: Which seals her powers.

4:56 PM: "Even if you get scary, you're the same Moka :V" Excuse me while I groan inwardly

4:56 PM: Apparently, Aono was Moka's first live victim

4:56 PM: And she wants more now

4:57 PM: ...Ohp, time for Aono to run away like a coward

4:57 PM: Alright, to be fair, most people would - freaky school IS freaky after all.

4:57 PM: "This school isn't for me : (" clearly.

4:58 PM: But Moka stops him

4:58 PM: "You can't go to a HUMAN school... I HATE HUMANS! " ...WHAT A TWIST

4:58 PM: Blah bah I was alienated blah bah I didn't belong blah blah you make me feel not alone

4:59 PM: And Aono outs himself

4:59 PM: Moka looks horrified, of course.

4:59 PM: "The last thing I need is a MONSTER for a friend!" ...Aono = douchebag.

5:00 PM: Moka's following, Gene's apparently been stalking her...

5:00 PM: And true form reveal time - he's an orc.


5:01 PM: Cut to Moka, who's covered in a translucent white-ish fluid... I.. really hope that's saliva

5:02 PM: Wow, orcs look stupid in this.

5:02 PM: And they beat women, apparently... Ohp Aono is here to save the day

5:02 PM: Or just get thrown off a cliff, as Moka jumps down to save him

5:02 PM: "So this is where the bus stop was D:"

5:02 PM: "All I ever wanted was a friend. " Again, SO predictable D:

5:03 PM: That's like the tenth staple line in fifteen minutes

5:03 PM: Ohp - Gene's going to kill our hero.

5:04 PM: Well... wuss playing hero

5:04 PM: And Aono ripped off Moka's rosary.

5:04 PM: Now for a long, revealing transformation scene a la Sailor Moon... or something!

5:05 PM: ...Moka just got ten years older or something

5:05 PM: She's gonna fuck some shit up.

5:06 PM: And Mr. Orc is now quivering in his boots

5:06 PM: ...She kicks high, apparently

5:07 PM: And Aono passes out in her chest... cut to "normal" Moka with Aono in her lap

5:08 PM: "Which of them is the real Moka? :V" ...vampire Moka= "kicks ass" and normal Moka = "unassuming classmate type"

5:08 PM: SHOCK! Aono can't leave because the bus only arrives once a month

5:09 PM: "Didn't you know? :V" ...clearly not

5:09 PM: 180-degree change from "I GOTTA GO D:" to "This might not be bad"

5:09 PM: And we end with Aono getting his blood sucked... again

5:10 PM: Verdict: Again - this sucks.

5:10 PM: It's predictable to a fault, the jokes are more groan-worthy than funny, and the characters are just 2-D cardboard cutouts.

5:10 PM: In short: Love Hina this ain't.

5:11 PM: I give them credit for trying something new, but at the same time... it's just Magikano with freaking monsters.

5:12 PM: Anyway, thanks for joining tonight, and have a great rest of your Sunday!

Thanks to FUNimation for providing a review copy!