Foreword: The following is a review of Romeo x Juliet as told by a selection of its characters. If you've never been exposed to the classic tragedy, "Romeo and Juliet," you might want to skip this review. Otherwise, you already know what's going to happen, and the rest is just details, a few of which are spoilers for the Gonzo production — unfortunate in a way, but a proper analysis demands it. Enjoy!

Dramatis Personae:

• ROMEO — A privileged Italian teenager who thinks he looks like Leonardo Di Caprio.
• MERCUTIO — A free spirit, relative to the Prince, and Romeo's close friend, or jealous noble who seeks a better father?
• MONTAGUE — Father of Romeo; infatuated with a giant tree which he mistakes for Escalus, the Prince of Verona. What? This loon is the prince? It's called Neo Verona?
• JULIET — Fair, meek daughter of House Capulet, or vengeful sword master intent on destroying Prince Escalus (or possibly the loon who calls himself the prince instead)?
• CORDELIA — Juliet's caretaker, who supplied us this name under annoyance at being called "Nurse" all the time.
• TYBALT — Cousin of Juliet, or possibly Romeo's brother. We haven't begun the play, and we don't even know, anymore.
• WILLIAM — A fellow who hates it when you call him "Bill." I hear he runs a playhouse, a euphemism for grown men who don women's dresses and kiss each other until Gwyneth Paltrow appears and ruins the whole experience.
• OPHELIA — An orphan who appeared during the casting call, claiming to be betrothed to a small English village. We told her we have no use for such a girl while the sun yet shines, and she replied, "In that event, I shall be the spiritual manifestation of your great tree which fancies itself a prince." Needless to say, we hired her on the spot.

Prologue:

[Enter OPHELIA.]

OPHELIA:

A classic tale of star-crossed love revived
by Gonzo animators for TV,
a crimson whirlwind lifts us to the skies
where Escalus, once Prince, is now a tree;
Up here no feuding families exist,
House Montague didst purge House Capulet,
Before his madness quelled, his blade to rest,
his last quarry fled fast with Juliet;
When meets she Romeo, son of Montague,
O'er dinner and movie love germinates;
Her blood boils with cries of her forbears, hewn,
"Hush," says she sternly, "For I'm on a date!"
Their wings clipped, lovebirds yet aspire to soar,
And leave strife behind on a distant shore.

OPHELIA [moves to exit, then pauses]: Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"

[Exit.]

Scene I: A Crisis of Identity

[Enter JULIET and CORDELIA.]

JULIET: Ah, to be alive again! I must say, I shall never tire of it. The dead have little use for a scent of a rose, nor the touch of a man. It would appear that I'm quite well developed, in this new life! And neither am I speaking in rigid English verse at all times! How lovely to approach my fourteenth year again, in such a setting.

CORDELIA: Nay, my dear Juliet, you aren't a day younger than sixteen now. Why, if expressions could kill! I'm Cordelia, your Nurse. Well, actually, In a former life, I served as the third and youngest daughter of King Lear of Britain, and by virtue of my many and spectacular deaths I am honored, by he who shall go unnamed so long as he will it, to serve at the side of such a lady as yourself, 'til death do us part.

WILLIAM [offstage]: Which won't be long, I assure you.

JULIET: Ay, me! In slumber not eternal hath I gained a Nurse with name! But to have advanced a full two years in my sleep — I am quite speechless. And quite unable to explain this magnificent sword strapped at my waist, and this crimson costume in which I awoke. Wherefore this disguise? My love cannot abide a veil!

[Enter TYBALT.]

TYBALT: You're the Red Whirlwind, cousin! A masked heroine protecting the commoners from official brutality.

[Enter ROMEO and MERCUTIO.]

ROMEO: Villain!

Thou canst not be my brother by blood, yet
claim title of cousin to Juliet.

JULIET: My love!

ROMEO:

'Tis I, the beau for which thine heart doth pine.

MERCUTIO: [Whispers something to Romeo.]

ROMEO: Oh, we needn't speak in verse? That's a relief.

OPHELIA [offstage]:

Alas, in meter shall my speech remain,
for verse alone can match a heart's refrain.

TYBALT: I've made my choice, once more, to align with Capulet. More importantly, didn't I kill him? [Points at MERCUTIO.]

ROMEO: Didn't I kill you?

MERCUTIO: Well I certainly didn't kill anyone.

WILLIAM [offstage]: Yet.

TYBALT: Because you were already dead.

[Enter MONTAGUE.]

MONTAGUE: Must you continue such banter? My princely ears take offense.

ROMEO, MERCUTIO, and TYBALT: Father!

CORDELIA: You're not the prince!

JULIET: Prince Escalus is the prince!

MONTAGUE: Where have you been, girl? Escalus is a tree, and I, the prince.

MERCUTIO: I am kinsman to a tree?

MONTAGUE: You are kinsman to me. For I hold court over this land, this Neo Verona, and you wish to be my heir apparent, while my son by blood is distracted by this flippant girl.

JULIET: Excuse me, but where are my parents?

[Enter WILLIAM]

WILLIAM: My dear Juliet: I regret to inform you that this production lacked the budget for your parents, so I had Montague murder them offstage. Now our head count meets both quota and budget! I believe we can do better than that, however. I must murder all my darlings; it's a writer's duty!

JULIET: Budget issues I can understand, but offstage? How dare you!

MONTAGUE: And now I seek to finish the job of slaying Capulet! It has a certain ring to it: Capulet, slain.

ROMEO: Stay your blade, father! A threat on my Juliet's life I cannot abide. My love for her exceeds any before!

JULIET: A love that shines forevermore!

[Exit.]

Scene II: A Fantasy of Hearts' Desire

[Enter MONTAGUE and OPHELIA.]

OPHELIA:

I am the land of Neo Verona,
a place where two great trees and dragon steeds,
float high above the clouds but one tree died,
perhaps of grief or loneliness or lies.
How do I look in my tree-like disguise?

MONTAGUE: You look positively princely, Escalus. I suppose that to justify your continued existence in the eyes of the audience, you'll be in need of... fertilizer, soon.

OPHELIA:

A bit of sustenance I do require...
Oh, look! A bird just landed on a wire.

[Exit MONTAGUE. Enter ROMEO and JULIET.]

JULIET: Oh Romeo, Romeo. Your dragon steed is so cute! Why is it called "dragon steed," when it appears to be a shaggy flying horse?

ROMEO: My father thought it manly. He says I need help in that department.

[Enter TYBALT.]

TYBALT: Well, you do talk incessantly about true love and flowers and hope. And why is there an iris in your hair?

ROMEO: That's...it's a symbol of my undying devotion!

JULIET: According to the script, it's also the flower of House Capulet! My brave Romeo, always thinking of me.

ROMEO: Oops. [Removes the flower.]

[Exit JULIET. Enter WILLIAM and CORDELIA.]

WILLIAM: Shall we begin, my puppets? I have summoned you, taken you in, even resurrected you, as it were, for a special production of Romeo and Juliet, where nothing is as it seems! Or perhaps I should say, nothing is as anybody expects! Unless our sponsor is counting on the audience having zero classical background, in which case they'll treat our production as the authoritative source, and I pity them with all my heart. On that note, Cordelia, thank you for joining us on such short notice.

CORDELIA: I don't mind, but isn't this job below my rank and pay grade? I don't even get to die in this production!

WILLIAM: But my dear, look on the bright side. At least you don't have to face exile this time, like Romeo over here.

ROMEO: About that. Father!

[Enter MONTAGUE. Exit CORDELIA.]

ROMEO: You presume to banish your own son over a mere disobedience? I had to kill Tybalt for that honor before!

TYBALT: This is true.

MONTAGUE: But of course, my lovesick, questionably-male offspring. Bill here has chosen to make you so spineless, so sickeningly self righteous and ideological, that I must grow to tire of your very presence. I quite prefer your naïve, yet earnest, "love is all that matters" trope of old to your current brand of insolence.

WILLIAM: Stop calling me Bill! Now...

MONTAGUE: ...And on top of it all, we have no enemy worth mentioning. We've transformed from the late Capulet and I being a pair of respectable heads of house in competition for prestige, or influence with the Prince, what have you; to I, a glorified arborist with a sword, in competition with no one but I, consigned to despotic rule as a means to entertain myself, knowing all the while that I sow the seeds of my own demise. No one will cry when I drink with Caesar, although Bill would appear to have been kind to me in that regard.

OPHELIA:

A seed of love, a seed of hate, 'twixt these;
I've thrived for centuries; I have to sneeze!

WILLIAM: Are you all quite finished? Now, as I was saying...

[Exit ROMEO and MONTAGUE.]

TYBALT: I have an issue with this script.

WILLIAM: What now?

TYBALT: I don't get to kill Mercutio. I don't get to die at the hands of Romeo. You appear to have left Mercutio alive just so he could kill in my stead. What exactly is my purpose for being here?

WILLIAM: That, quite obviously, is comic relief. A role which Cordelia would have filled, were I to think less of her.

TYBALT: But...

WILLIAM: Places, everyone!

[Exit.]

Scene III: A Train of Abject Praise Derails

[Enter OPHELIA.]

OPHELIA:

And so begins our play of star-crossed love,
and machinations of a tree (that's me!);
A land not meant to spend its days in flight,
shall plunge to Earth like a space colony.
How does a cat always land on its feet?

[Enter JULIET and CORDELIA.]

JULIET: The sets are so beautiful! Iris-overgrown ruins, a majestic cathedral lined with roses, a lush forest meets a cute village, humble urban dwellings over a cobblestone street. I'm in love!

CORDELIA: So am I! But with an actual man, debatably so, and not the sets. I kind of enjoy the quiet life, where I'm not being banished or sent to my death.

OPHELIA [to JULIET]:

I am remiss to have forgotten this.
Here, let me plant within your breast this seed;
The duty of your lineage within.
Now I shall give this dragon steed a spin!

JULIET: What is this? I feel something...growing, inside of me.

ROMEO [offstage]: So do I, my love!

JULIET: This feeling...so warm. To experience the joys of courtship again — I am ready!

[Enter ROMEO.]

ROMEO: The meeting. It begins.

JULIET: O' glorious meeting; with awe will I look upon you, and you, me.

ROMEO: The blaze of passion ignites as Cupid's arrow strikes!

JULIET:

True love's first kiss atop a bridge, and left
behind, a parting gift. So bitter-sweet!

[Enter MONTAGUE.]

CORDELIA: Fair Juliet, he is a noble; your worst enemy!

MONTAGUE: And Romeo, stand fast; you're betrothed to Hermione!

ROMEO: Who?

[Enter WILLIAM.]

WILLIAM: Don't worry. You'll meet her at the dress. Carry on! You're marvelous!

[Exit WILLIAM.]

ROMEO: I abandon my name; I'm loyal to you alone!

JULIET: From atop a balcony, I accept. Together we'll atone for the wounds of a land bereft of peace and liberty!

ROMEO: We flee to be together, where secluded village lie.

JULIET: We vow to always and forever...did one of you just sigh?

MONTAGUE: And I'll step in whene'er I can to part you; I'm the bad guy!

JULIET: You've forced my hand. I shall subject you to the people's justice!

[Enter MERCUTIO and TYBALT.]

TYBALT: No, I will!

MERCUTIO: No, I will!

MONTAGUE: No matter whose blade rends me, 'tis I who brought my end, not thee.

OPHELIA:

And now, fair Juliet, doth come the hour
in which my dying roots shall taste thy flower.
With Escalus renewed and land afloat...
Did you know "tragedy" means "song of goat"?

ROMEO: As long as I yet live, I will not give you Juliet! Eat steel!

JULIET: ...Was there supposed to be more?

[Enter WILLIAM.]

WILLIAM: Ahem. Soon enough!

...And so, the lovely Juliet shall wail;
her tears fall fast on her lover, impaled.
With smile, she'll rise and speak her last good-byes,
For land, for love, she'll give her very life,
thus Escalus survives.

Something like that!

CORDELIA: [Fighting tears.] Oh, Juliet! It's so tragic!

OPHELIA: It isn't.

CORDELIA: What!?

OPHELIA: There's nothing tragic about it. Look, Juliet doesn't really "die". Her hopes and feelings live on in Neo Verona for, well, as long as these things last. It's really rather beautiful, but it's the anti-tragedy. She had no fall from grace — no real flaw to speak of. Her love for Romeo succeeds in getting her out of trouble as often as in it, and her final act was not a reckless suicide blinded by sorrow, but a conscious sacrifice to save the land which produced such love.

CORDELIA: !?

OPHELIA: And let's look at Romeo, shall we? His death is noble. He gives his life protecting his love instead of falling victim to an unfortunate misunderstanding and offing himself out of grief. And as we have already established, he escapes entirely the fate of succumbing to the bloodlust of his family's turf war. If anything, the two of them save their families and retainers (the few that are still alive) from the consequences of their actions, instead of sobering them up a bit. In the end, nobody learns anything the hard way.

WILLIAM: Sweet mercy. What have I done?

OPHELIA: Let's blow this joint. Who wants to buy me a drink?

[Exit OPHELIA, followed by MONTAGUE, WILLIAM, TYBALT, MERCUTIO, and ROMEO.]

[JULIET looks at CORDELIA; they both shrug.]

[Exit.]